ME jokes

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

Me: I found a group of furries in the woods.

Voice in back: Well, it looks like we're going huntin'.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."

My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.

-JFK

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.