ME jokes

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

Is it just me, or do you kids have imaginations?

So, you're into pronouns? Let me she/them titties.

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...

"Twins sitting in class."

Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Your forehead is so huge, you don't have dreams, you have movies. Follow me on Instagram: _zer0x3.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”