ME jokes

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.

“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.

“It’s because God made you special,” she said.

“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

A starving homeless kid asks me for food.

I said, "sorry, my plate is full."

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

What did the tree say to the wind?

Leaf me alone.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

My mom was 19 when she was pregnant with me, My mom was 39 when she was pregnant by me!!!

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

Violets are blue, roses are red.

Last night your mom was giving me head.