ME jokes
Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!
Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.
What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.
What did the tree say to the wind?
Leaf me alone.
I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.
I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.
My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.
The boy asks, "What gave me away?"
The man responds, "Your parents."
A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
Why was Tickle Me Elmo upset when he left the factory?
Because they only gave him one test tickle.
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"
Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.