ME jokes

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

My parents created a joke 11 years ago and people are still laughing at it, but I know it's not me because jokes have meaning.

They struggled to lift the weights, but I got watermelon to keep me in shape.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

Random: What are your hobbies?

Me: Bullying kids in WhatsApp groups 💀

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

Kids- it's time for Dora.

Kids- YAY!

Nick Jr. host- Today Dora is going on a big adventure with Grandma.

Swiper- Hello kids, I am trying to find my way to Diego's. Will you please help me?

Kids- Where's Dora?

Swiper- She's under cardiac arrest.

Kids- Poor Dora.

Everybody- SWIPER NO SWIPING!

Swiper - AH MAN!!

Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"

Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"

Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"

9/11 jokes just don't fly around me.

Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.

So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.

The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Is it just me, or do these gays need to leave me alone?

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

My friend said not to look down on me. I said I can't because I'm shorter than her.

Hey, I broke up with your girl.

-Me: What? Why?

Wait, what?

-Me: You f**ked her, so it's your baby.

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.

I've never been to Bradford before until today. While driving through the city center with my dad I asked, "Would you set up a business here?", to which he responded "No".

So I asked "Why not, you'd make us rich!", He gave me a confused face and asked, "How so?".

So I said, "Because sales would be fucking booming!"

I know, it's an awful joke.