ME jokes

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes."

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

Like this if you are a single Pringle like me.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

Orphan: "Why can’t I watch a PG movie?"

Me: "They are Parental Guidance."

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.

ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

"Don't worry! Life goes on."

"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

Mr. Smith had four daughters. Each of his daughters had a brother. How many children does Mr. Smith have?