ME jokes

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

What did the cake say to the fork?

"Do you want a piece of me!!!"

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes."

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

Like this if you are a single Pringle like me.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

Emo kids counting be like: 1, 2, 3 come hang with me! 4, 5, 6 Gonna get new slits! 7, 8, 9 Suicide! 10, 11, 12 Bring some pills!

Orphan: "Why can’t I watch a PG movie?"

Me: "They are Parental Guidance."

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.

Feminists: Correct.

Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.

ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!