ME jokes

Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?

Bryce: What?

Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!

P.S. I'm a girl.

Peaches-REMAKE-By-Justin Beiber and watersharky Music Productions-

I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)

I get my weed from California (that's that shit)

I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)

I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)

And I see you (oh), the way I breathe you in (in), it's the texture of your skin

I wanna wrap my arms around you, baby, never let you go, oh

And I say, oh, there's nothing like your touch

It's the way you lift me up, yeah

And I'll be right here with you 'til the end

I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)

I get my weed from California (that's that shit)

I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)

I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)

You ain't sure yet, but I'm for ya

All I could want, all I can wish for

Nights alone that we miss more

And days we save as souvenirs

There's no time, I wanna make more time

And give you my whole life

I left my girl, I'm in Mallorca

Hate to leave her, call it torture

Remember when I couldn't hold her

Left her baggage for Rimowa

I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)

I get my weed from California (that's that shit)

I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)

I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)

I get the feeling, so I'm sure (sure)

Hand in my hand because I'm yours

I can't, I can't pretend, I can't ignore you're right for me

Don't think you wanna know just where I've been, oh

Done being distracted

The one I need is right in my arms (oh)

Your kisses taste the sweetest with mine

And I'll be right here with you 'til end of time

I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)

I get my weed from California (that's that shit)

I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)

I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)

I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)

I get my weed from California (that's that shit)

I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)

(I get my light right from the source, yeah, yeah)

I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)

I get my weed from California (that's that shit)

I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)

I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)

I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)

I get my weed from California (that's that shit)

I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)

I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it).

How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!

Frenid: R u gay?

Me: Yes u

Frenid: No I am bi.

Me: Dang it!

Frenid: What?

Me: I like u.

Frenid: Ok I like u to.

Dad: Alive.

Brother: Orphan (fault=Mother).

Me: Dead on the inside but sadly alive.

Mother: Alive...

Wait a minute... I thought you were dead, Mom... Right, you're dead to me at least.

A: Who can tell me a joke?

B: Life.

What did A say to Y?

"You cannot be alpha like me." :)

Y said, "Why? (Y)"

POV: The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.

:me😐

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Me: I just shot an orphan.

Mate: You can’t do that!

Me: What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.

My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

I told him my dad never came back with it.

If you are friendly on a game, should I will kill you in the game? You should say, "Will, if you did kill me, I will tell my more friendly to ban you from the game." The friendly should [ask], "What you got?" Friendly on the game [replies], "Jack, you are not my friendly, the all friendly you be ban, if you don't get it, will have fun." If you don't like the text, I am come for you. Ok, now like it, the end.

Someone on here said it previously:

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is until my mom took the urn away from me.

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

How did the air beat me at chess? It did that thing, haha!

Person: You can't kill an orphan!

Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

So today an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... Hhah.