ME jokes

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.

I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

What is the first thing the disabled download on iTunes?

"They see me rolling, they hatin'."

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.

Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you... From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.

Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Papyrus: Because they looked like me?

Sans: ... Sure.

People call me a bad person, but just the other day I saw a little kid crying and asked him where were his parents. I love working at the orphanage.

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously,

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,

"Mom, are you still awake?"

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

Is it just me, or when you wipe your ass too deep, it reminds you of your uncle? Just me?