ME jokes
I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.
So people call me poor until they see my bank account.
What did the toaster say to the piece of bread? "I want you inside me."
Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.
Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.
Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.
Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.
Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.
My mom calls me.
Me: WHAT MOM?
No answer.
Me: WHAT?
Would it be wrong of me to yell “Jenga!” or “Timber!” while my class is watching a 9/11 documentary?
Me: Am actually happy right now.
Life: Lol one sec.
I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
Q. What's the Premier of Alberta's favorite sex toy? A. I don't know, but I wish it were me.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You make me pee like I drink tea, you make me go buzz, like becoming a fuzz.
It sticks in, but it goes to the bin, after its use, it will be reused, no it is not what your thinking its -~-(clay)-~-
Friend 1: How can the skeleton tell it was going to rain?
Me: He could feel it in his bones.
Friend 1: No, he read the forecast, you fucking idiot!
Heheh ;3
Why you gay, bruh? I know why I'm gay. I got the wolf pack protectors spirit in me, YA BOIIIII!
So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn’t actually tell me the joke... I was the joke. 😭😭😭😔😔😔😒😒😒
I aced my poker test...
My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...
A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...
Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...
I pushed a disabled kid over, and he came crawling back to me.
This ole boy that's locked up called his ole lady and got into it with her, and she said, "Well, fuck you, I don't need you no more anyway. I got 2 or 3 guys out here wanting me and trying to fuck me."
He said, "Well, honey, that's the least of my worries. I got 10 or 12 guys in here tryin' to fuck me."
Guy: Fight me on Xbox. Guy: Oh right, you don't have one *laughs*
Me: Fight me in real life. Me: Oh right, you don't have a real life. *INSERTS APPLE BOTTOM JEANS*
2021-2022
Like if you like dogs. Dislike if you like cats. Other animal? Tell me in the comments!
Me: I have the body of a 28 year old.
Her: Prove it.
Me: (opens freezer)
What did the cell say when it was dividing?
"It's not you, it's me."