ME jokes

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

What do you call a depressed person?

Me.

Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?

Me: Nah, not really.

Friend: What did they feel like?

Me: 7th grade.

Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

Joe Biden's speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.

Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.

Orphan: They're dead.

Me: A promise made is a promise kept.

I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.

I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

Website: Submit a joke :-)

Me: My life.

Do you want to play Titanic?

When I say iceberg, you go down on me.

A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.

Dentist: Open up, sir.

Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

Dentist: Do you need help??

Me: Yep.

Dentist: ...

Me: ....

Them: You want some Lucky Harms?

Me: What are Lucky Harms?

Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.