ME jokes

What's the difference between me and a knife?

One has a point, and the other doesn't.

I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.

Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

What did the ass say to the joke?

"You crack me up!"

Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).

Your mum stinks of disabled people.

Wanna know why?

I don't know either, you tell me.

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

I'm always willing to go down on a special needs girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"

10/7 is probably a spinoff of 9/11.

You can't convince me otherwise.

What did the mic say to the rapper?

"Don’t DROP me, bro!"

I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎

Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!

Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.

I hate it when I go to the shop and people are like, "Oh, hey what are you doing here?"

Me: "Oh, you know, just hunting elephants."

What is an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

"Adopt Me."