ME jokes

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!

A hobo couple is making out under a bridge.

The girlfriend goes: - Johnny, why is your dick so soft? - Flip me over, I’m trying to shit!

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

Me: I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g.”

Emo kid: He said like your bullet holes, G.

Me: I have no bullet holes.

Emo kid: Not yet, you don't.

Me: Ayo what the fuc*.

My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

Emo: Phone die.

Emo: Why not me? ;(

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

A Down syndrome child is drowning, he calls for help with all of his voice: "Somebody help me!! I'm Downing!"

BA DUM TSS

People are arguing about stopping orphan jokes.

Me: m e h. i d o n t c a r e.

TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.

Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?

Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!

My friend jokingly confessed to me she did prostitution (consensual).

She wasn't joking. :0

We are 15....

One day, I was just chillin', being a tower. I saw a plane, but it was slowly growing.

Then it hit me.

What is the difference between me and the Twin Towers?

My mom was only airplane feeding me a spoon.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You look like Shrek, And you make me peck.

Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.