ME jokes

So a lady came up to me today at the bank, and she asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

Yo hair so big it took me weeks to find the needle in it.

Orphan: I’m gonna tell my parents!

Me: Where are they?

Orphan: ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄

A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.

The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.

This is just a bad emo pickup line, lmao.

Are you Maria? 'Cause you can sure as hell count ME in!

What did Africa say to the grass? Get off me!

I wasn't looking at you, your big forehead was distracting me.

I want to die at a party. This is because nobody can be sad over me.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

It's me. I can't get in because Stephen Hawking is in the way.

You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.

Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."

Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"

In prison, they called me sweet cheeks.

"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.