ME jokes

Rope: Hey buddy! Want to hang?

Me: Maybe I can hang later...

Cock: Can I have attention from your Dad now?

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.

That one really *crashed and burned*.

"Stupid faker, if you're trying to get me to leave the site, it won't work!"

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me, so they can get adopted.

What did the traffic light say to the other?

"Hey, stop looking at me! I'm changing!"

Today a girl asked me how big my dick is, so I asked how big her pussy is, and she said, "Come over to my house and find out!"

To all my bullies: don’t call me gay because I’m not happy.

Hi, you guys don't know me, but I have my best interests at heart.

I'm a kind person who wants to put a stop to the bullying. I think that Gwen, Addison Banks, Watersharky, ect. are kind people! Also, I kinda like Watersharky...

Lady: Will you fuck me?

Man: No, I don’t have a penis.

Lady pulls down man's pants and looks in them. "Yes, you do!" she says.

Man: Oh, I forgot it was there.

I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.

I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,

'Cause she was transgender.

An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"

Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"

Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.

As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?

Person: Big black what?

Riddler: ...

Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.

When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"

If Stephen Hawking was in a horror movie, would he make his robot try and shout, "Aaaaaaaah! Help me, I can't move! I'm too scared!"?