ME jokes
What did the fat guy say to the skinny guy?
Fat guy: Does this look fat on me?
Skinny guy: No, I don’t think it’s that.
Fat guy: Thinking.
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
In prison, they called me sweet cheeks.
Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?
Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!
A hobo couple is making out under a bridge.
The girlfriend goes: - Johnny, why is your dick so soft? - Flip me over, I’m trying to shit!
Memes
I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.
We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.
I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.
My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?
My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!
A Down syndrome child is drowning, he calls for help with all of his voice: "Somebody help me!! I'm Downing!"
BA DUM TSS
My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.
People are arguing about stopping orphan jokes.
Me: m e h. i d o n t c a r e.
TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
It's me. I can't get in because Stephen Hawking is in the way.
My job is so amazing.
Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.
Emo: Phone die.
Emo: Why not me? ;(
Me: I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g.”
Emo kid: He said like your bullet holes, G.
Me: I have no bullet holes.
Emo kid: Not yet, you don't.
Me: Ayo what the fuc*.