ME jokes
One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."
Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."
Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."
So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."
And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."
Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."
I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Your sister: You're so ugly.
Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?
What do they call me when I jack off?
Pulled pork.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.
"Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"
Do you like me? Joke... Well come on!
BOOMSHACKALATA!
Wanna know something funny?
Me, because I'm funny looking.
My cock was in the book of world records...
The librarian told me to take it out.
My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.
She said we can still be cousins.
A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"
Friend: Why don't you cut your hair?
Me: Dunno, but I'll probably cut my wrists first.
This anorexic girl wanted to fight me. I told her that I would roast her, but she didn't have any meat.
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.
Me: Wow, they found the body already?
Dad: :/
I saw a kid sitting on the curb and I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" "You're parents did."