ME jokes

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

What did the parents say to the orphans?

"YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"

What did the tree say to his sister? Wood you please leaf me alone, you son of a birch?

I went up to the deaf kid and said, "I’m going to punch you in 3, 2, 1." And he ended up with a broken nose, and I said, "You should have listened to me!"

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

Me: Opens the window to get some fresh air.

Everyone else on the plane: 😟...😱

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

Who is going to start the robot takeover? Me.

I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.

Don't tell me to accept trannies for who they are when they can't even accept themselves for who they are.

What did A say to Y?

"You cannot be alpha like me." :)

Y said, "Why? (Y)"

Friend: Want to play Fall Guys?

Friend 2: Yup.

Friend: Ok, so let me ju- wait, where are you going?

Friend 2: I'm gonna jump off.

Friend: Why?

Friend 2: We are playing Fall Guys, right?

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

What are the similarities between a broken tire and me?

We were both caused by broken rubber.

Who wants to see me rape a toddler?

Me: why are Americans so good at rubix cubing? Friend: why? Me: they have a history of separating colors.

Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.

I hate jokes about 9/11... every joke has the tendency to crash and burn.

"I didn't get the joke at first, but then it hit me like a plane," the joke was so dark a cop almost shot it.