ME jokes

Guys, if you saw a post from someone pretending to be me, don't listen to them.

I'm just going to be out for 3 days, or maybe for a month break. There are a lot of fakers.

Coach: Why can't orphans play baseball?

Me: Because they can't get a homerun.

What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

Me, smashes mouse after losing a match; everybody at the pet race: :O

To Gwen and Freshfry: Hi Gwen and Freshfry, you have been so amazing to me and now to my sister. You are the people who I look up to. People are mean to us because I am adopted. Thank you for all of your support!

My dad left me, lol.

If you were to ask me, "Where would be the worst place to commit a crime?" I would say a multi-storey car park, because if you think about it, it would be wrong on so many levels.

Guys, add me as a friend in Roblox. I'm hawaiilover973 :D

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

They call me Juan, they call me Jose, but I'm Juan person.

Hey Qwen, it's me.

Husband: I look fat, can someone compliment me?

Wife: You have good eyesight.

Friend: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Your life.

Me: Ahhh, I wish!

*jumps off building*

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

Your classmate: You're so ugly.

Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.