ME jokes

I don't know why Trump has orange skin but has white around his eyes. So does that mean he is some fucking dog?

I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"

A pirate walked into a pub with a ship wheel attached to his balls. The bartender says, "What the hell is that?"

The pirate said, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

"SpaStics on aplastic. Add me on ps4 SpaZZagaZZa54."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.

Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."

Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"

Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: Impatient feminist.

Friend: Impati--

Me: Why don't we have equal pay YETTTTTTT?

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

Others, tearfully: Stop shipping real people!!

Me, packing an old lady in a FedEx box: Nope!

What's up, bitches? Miss me?

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

You want a pizza from me!!!!