ME jokes

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

Me, smashes mouse after losing a match; everybody at the pet race: :O

The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."

The cashier kicked me out because when he asked for 99 cents, I gave him 99 scents.

1. Are you talking to me because I think you talked to my backside?

2. Your mom must taste good because it is always in your mouth.

3. My foot lasts longer than your life.

Husband: I look fat, can someone compliment me?

Wife: You have good eyesight.

Friend: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Your life.

Me: Ahhh, I wish!

*jumps off building*

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

A customer asked me to look at their hairline. I time traveled back to the dinosaurs.

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

Coach: Why can't orphans play baseball?

Me: Because they can't get a homerun.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

Hey Qwen, it's me.

Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,

Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.

Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?

Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!

My bf: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

My bf: Ice cream.

Me: Ice cream who?

My bf: I scream if you don't let me see that smoking hot body!

If you were to ask me, "Where would be the worst place to commit a crime?" I would say a multi-storey car park, because if you think about it, it would be wrong on so many levels.

A B C D E F G.

Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!