ME jokes

Guys, if you saw a post from someone pretending to be me, don't listen to them.

I'm just going to be out for 3 days, or maybe for a month break. There are a lot of fakers.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

The cashier kicked me out because when he asked for 99 cents, I gave him 99 scents.

The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."

Coach: Why can't orphans play baseball?

Me: Because they can't get a homerun.

They call me Juan, they call me Jose, but I'm Juan person.

What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"

Man: Okay, tell me a joke without the expense of anyone's feelings.

Me: Okay, so an Asian...

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.

Let me know if you can't cum.

What is an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.

Me: So you're gonna leave me again?

Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

1. Are you talking to me because I think you talked to my backside?

2. Your mom must taste good because it is always in your mouth.

3. My foot lasts longer than your life.

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."