ME jokes

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

Your mom has a bone to pick with me.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

Spanish is difficult. When my mom gives me food, she says "toma," and that's drink in English, so I always drink my food.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Don't cry in front of me, or else I'll cry!"

You want a pizza from me!!!!

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.

Me: So you're gonna leave me again?

I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.

Let me know if you can't cum.

What is an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

Would you rather date me or a lady?

I laid deez nuts in your mouth.

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

Man: Okay, tell me a joke without the expense of anyone's feelings.

Me: Okay, so an Asian...

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

What did the constipated bum say to the other bum?

Piss don't s**t on me!