ME jokes

"SpaStics on aplastic. Add me on ps4 SpaZZagaZZa54."

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"

Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

So I told him he was on my cock.

(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

Others, tearfully: Stop shipping real people!!

Me, packing an old lady in a FedEx box: Nope!

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

What's up, bitches? Miss me?

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

Bully: Shut up.

Me: I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up.

My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.

What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.

What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?

"Bale me out!"

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

I wondered why the pitcher hadn’t pitched the ball yet.

Then it hit me.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.