ME jokes

"SpaStics on aplastic. Add me on ps4 SpaZZagaZZa54."

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

Pete the panther was racing a cheetah but lost. The cheetah said, "You can’t beat me, I’m a cheetah." Pete said, "Yeah, you are a cheetah cheetah."

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

Roses are red, violets are blue, You make me pee like I drink tea, you make me go buzz, like becoming a fuzz.

It sticks in, but it goes to the bin, after its use, it will be reused, no it is not what your thinking its -~-(clay)-~-

Me: Spanish teacher, why do we need to learn Spanish?

Teacher: Because you might go to Mexico and start a job.

Me: Why would I want to sell drugs?

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

Man: Okay, tell me a joke without the expense of anyone's feelings.

Me: Okay, so an Asian...

My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.

To Gwen and Freshfry: Hi Gwen and Freshfry, you have been so amazing to me and now to my sister. You are the people who I look up to. People are mean to us because I am adopted. Thank you for all of your support!

Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?

I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

Hey guys, so we have a friend group and we need followers and people! So far it's me and Royal. If you want to join just comment why and you're in unless people have reasons to not want you!

Me running from the principal because I put ten woman's rights books in the fictional section!

A customer came to me and asked for condoms for tiny dicks.

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

Would you rather date me or a lady?

I laid deez nuts in your mouth.