ME jokes

For all the online haters on me, comment here, be honest.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

I saw a little boy begging for money.

I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents!"

Can you tell me the real answer to this joke?

What do you call a drone that takes the long way around?

Family are together playing charades.

Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!

What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"

Do you love water?

Then you love 75% of me!

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?

Me: Me.

Friend: *does nothing*

(x_x)

I forgot that I don't have friends.

My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.

I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.

So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"

What did the tree say to the Lumberjack? Leaf me alone!

Me: I fucked your mom.

Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.

What's the difference between me and my best friends?

At least one of us has a house.

Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears! :3

Why do you want me?

Cus u like me...

What do you mean?

You love me.

No.

Look down.

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."