ME jokes

You: What do you call a door knob without the lock?

Me: I don't know.

You: Are you sure?

Me: I don't know.

You: Okay.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!

Johnny Johnny?

Yes pa pa.

Eating sugar?

Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.

Leave a like if you like sex and porn, and talk to me if you have any questions.

At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.

Mom: Hey son, what does "idk" and "idc" mean?

Son: I don’t know and I don’t care.

Mom: Excuse me?

Son: Oh, and by the way, Mom, what’s for dinner?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

The mirror says: "If you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck."

The Magic Jewel says: "If you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck."

The condom just sitting there laughing.

Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate.

Shitmate: You’re so shitable.

Me: Bring banana ice cream.

Shitmate: Never happening.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?

...

You do realize that I said nothing, right?

Me: Exactly :)

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.