ME jokes

Me: Truth or dare?

Crush: Dare.

Me: I dare you to give me your phone number.

Crush: Umm nevermind, truth.

Me: Ok, what is your phone number?

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game? Adopt Me!

Me: You have terrible jokes.

Mum: Shows me a mirror.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

Egg shaped, dome, bowling ball lookin' ass, bald fuck with that 360 degrees ahh head, motherfucker look like a damn balloon.

Call me Kobe 'cause I'm finna use your head as a basketball and throw it at yo' parents. Mr. Clean, bootleg Saitama lookin' ass mfer. No hair? :(

"Officer, don’t arrest me, she said she was 5 in dog years!"

I used to hate foot fungus, but now it's growing on me.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Kid: Which were me, are your parents?

Orphan: What are parents?

The ball kept getting bigger and bigger...

And then it hit me.

When your mama went to Sea World, the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"

Sister: You're so stupid.

Me: Calling me stupid doesn't make you any smarter!

After I see an anime boy acting cool,

Me at school acting cool:

My brothers: "He's just acting cool."

Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.

How many people fit in a tree?

I don't know, you tell me.

Wife, I look fat, can you compliment me?

Blind husband says, "You have perfect eyesight!"

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"