ME jokes

Me: What’s the definition of “ignorance”?

Friend: Don’t know?

Me: U STUPID!

What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”

The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."

The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I hate you.

I hate you who?

You hate me?? Rude!

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

This bitch won't message me anymore, what the fuck do I do? Why are bitches so sensitive?

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"

Girlfriend: "No."

Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

A B C D E F G H I see a bitch in front of me.

You say Alex Jones, I say Alex moans mmmmm. I like that fat, tasty big boy and his Rolex watches, mummy, he turns me on!

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

The only joke my dad ever made was me.