ME jokes
Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.
What is brown and sticky?
What is white and gooey?
What is long and hard?
(Tell me in the comments)
Riddle: I can fill a room, others can have me, but I can't be shared. What am I?
Answer: Loneliness.
My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!
No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.
Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?
Friend: I don't know.
Me: I'll fall with you.
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
Comment on this if you are somewhat like me: depressed, single, gay, and act like you're not burning inside.
Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?
Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Die.
Die who?
Me, I want to die.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but it eventually came back to me.
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
I wondered why the baseball was getting closer...
Then it hit me!
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
My mom told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite phrase to parents of boys? "Leave me alone!"
Banker: I have the right to take your money!
Me: Check my name.
Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: *realizes*
Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.
Imagine a dragon 🤔.
Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.