ME jokes

A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”

Friend: You ok, man?

Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...

What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.

I wondered why the baseball was getting closer...

Then it hit me!

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

Person: You suck!

Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎

FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but it eventually came back to me.

Money means nothing to me. Ask me for it, you will get nothing.

Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Man: But I’m not dead yet.

Doctor: Are we there yet?

Kid #1: You're adopted.

Kid #2: At least they wanted me.

Kid #1: Did your real parents want you?

Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.

Me: Me.

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

Imagine a dragon 🤔.

Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.