ME jokes

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.

I was in the bank one day, and this old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Me: Knock knock.

Person: Who's there?

Me: No-one.

Person: No-one who?

Me:...........

Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?

Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!

Will you remember me in 7 years?

(Yes)

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A friend of mine told me this joke a long time ago and I have never forgotten it.

A worm was crawling over a train track, and a train ran over him and cut off his ass. The worm turned around to get the piece of his ass back and another train ran over him and cut off his head.

BAD IDEA and a lesson to us all.

NEVER LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS!! LMAO (literally, kind of)( pretty sure you get it)

Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;

So, I was in the bathroom at school washing up, and this girl walked out of the stall and she was like, "Hey, can you make me laugh? I have been having a pretty bad day." And I was like, "Sure." I was like, "Come here." So she came over to me. I was like, "Girl, look at yourself in the mirror." And she started laughing so hard, and she said, "I'm so ugly."

So in prep class, the students were asked to write a letter to their grandparents for Grandparents Day.

Little Johnny's friend, Little Sally, wrote things like, "Thank you," and, "You are so nice!" And Little Johnny goes, "What are you doing? You got it wrong!" So Sally says, "What do you mean? It's a letter." Little Johnny says, "Why did you do it like that? Just write a letter from the alphabet like the teacher said!" Then he says, "I wrote a J to remind them of me!"

Me: Opens the window to get some fresh air.

Everyone else on the plane: 😟...😱

Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?

Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.

|| 20 YEARS LATER ||

Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?

Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.

Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"

The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"

This is the account of music provider just let you I post for the enjoyment of myself, and to spread different kinds and types of music willingly. I do not respond for the soul reason of ✨people✨ and do not take offense to anything that I post. If you have and issues or just wanna talk contact me i'm only discord so that's all you getting (not being rude) ill put my discord in the comments.

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

A random guy yelled at me, "Hey, slut!"

I walked towards him.

"I prefer slit," I said.

"Why?" He asked.

"You see these wrists?" I spat at him.

My mom is a chemistry teacher.

Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.

Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.