ME jokes
Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?
I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.
A cop pulled me over and shouted, "Papers!" I shouted, "Scissors!" and drove off.
*Watches sad movie with family*
Everyone else: *Crying*
Sister: How aren't you crying?
Me: I have no tears left to cry...
POV: The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.
:me😐
Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.
"You're pretty, let me take you on a date!" Sike, I lied. You're ugly and fried. What you talking about?
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..
They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.
Me: Spell "I cup."
My Friend: I see you pee.
Me: BOII YOU BETTER GIVE MEH SOME PRIVACY IN MY BATH ROOM!!!!
My Friend: Oh hehe O-O
Friend 1: How come when you say "apart" your lips move apart, but when you say "together" they move apart?
Me: Maybe your lips want a divorce.
Me: Tells a racist joke on the internet and no one bats an eye.
Also me: Tells the same joke at KFC and everybody loses their mind.
What is brown and sticky?
What is white and gooey?
What is long and hard?
(Tell me in the comments)
Is your mom a virgin?
Mine is.
How am I alive?
You tell me.
Me: Calls 9-1-1.
Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?
Me: *hangs up*
My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.
What is the difference between me and the Twin Towers?
My mom was only airplane feeding me a spoon.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
I had bullies behind me on the street, but they were too fat and slow, so they got ran over by a truck that represents fat and slow.
I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”