ME jokes

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

I was walking and I saw a girl crying, and she told me to take her dollhouse and I asked why. She said because I don't have one.

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

Me: I'm retarded.

Teacher: Why?

Me: It took me 2 hours to see "60 Minutes."

Hi guys, I feel forgotten lol. I feel like a banana peel... no one will talk to me. Oh, I got a good idea! We do a Google Meet!

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

I have a thousand-piece puzzle of the Japanese map. It took me ages to finish it.

But after the earthquake, I just threw all the pieces on the ground, and it's done.

My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

What do me and a casino machine have in common? It takes about 50 pumps to get to the jackpot.

The man had no arms and a little girl came over and said, "Give me a high-five."

He said, "I’ve got no arms," and the girl said, "Are you an eel? Cause he don’t have arms."

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

Friend: Why do you like Minecraft so much?

Me: Because I love miners!

Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.

I guess they're whore-ible.

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.

Dumb person: Wat idk mean?

Person 1: I don’t know.

Dumb one: Oh u don’t know okie I ask Googol.

Person 1: Wait idk means--

Dumb one (to Googol): WAT DOS IDK MANNN?

Googol: I don’t know.

Dumb one: OH ME GOOOD EVEN GOGLO DOESYN KNOWWW

Teacher: What comes after C?

Me: Ooh! Ooh! C4!

Teacher: Umm, ok... but still what comes after A?

Me: AK47!!!

Teacher thought: Oh hell na.

Teacher: What comes after X?

Me: Xplosin.

1 second later, bomb goes off. Idk.

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*