ME jokes
I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.
(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
My ex-wife still misses me...
BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
People judge me because I'm quiet.
No one plans a massacre out loud.
I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.
As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."