ME jokes

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

Me: why are Americans so good at rubix cubing? Friend: why? Me: they have a history of separating colors.

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."

Baby: "Lmao, same"

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

People judge me because I'm quiet.

No one plans a massacre out loud.