ME jokes
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
I forgot what a boomerang was. Oh well, it’ll come back to me.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.
My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.
Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?
Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.
Q: What did the kid say to the emo kid?
A: Don't leave me hanging!
Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?
Friend: What?
Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.
Little Herobrine, I'm cumming in ur mom! Call me Saddam Hussein cuz I'm dropping rap bombs!!
Hey girl, are you my boss? 'Cause you just gave me a raise.
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.
I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”
Me: Then which one are you?
If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.
My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.