ME jokes

What did the hamster say to the penis? "Ha, you look just like me!"

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

What did the tomato say to the empty ketchup bottle? "GOD STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

B: Can you please stop roasting me?

A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.

My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?

Person: Sure.

Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.

Person: Dear God...

My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.

Popular guy in class: I am so funny.

Me: Your parents are funny as they made a joke and people are still laughing at it.

Pass me the sugar, Sugar!

Pass me the honey, Honey!

Pass me the teabag!

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?

Friend: What?

Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.