ME jokes
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.
A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"
The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."
The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
Hello guys, imagine if we had no school and we get to do whatever we want without parents telling us what to do! What place would you want to call it and what would the fun things we get to do be? I would call it "Happy world for kids." Leave a comment telling me what it would be called! Enjoy! :)
Man: Hey kids, who wants milk?
Kids: Me!
Man: *unzips fly*
All these jokes make me laugh to death 💀.
Bully: "You are so stupid!"
Classmate: does nothing.
Bully: "Oi, I'm talking to you!"
Classmate: "Oh, you're talking to me? I thought you were talking to yourself."
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger... then it hit me.
What’s a sheep’s favorite song?
"Baby Don’t Herd Me."
I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
What's the difference between me and a rapist?
He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.
She was just 7 years old.
Me: U know the show called Imagine Dragons?
Friends: No, what is it?
Me: Imagine dragon this nuts across yo mouth.
Me: John, what did he do earlier?
John: Hold on, I’m trying to think.
Me: I thought I smelled poop.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
I didn't know I raped her. I thought she wanted me to hurry up.
My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"
Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"
I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
So THEN I bought a LED whistle but it steel wooden LED me whistle.
Me: So you two girls are from England?
Girls: Wales.
Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.