ME jokes

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."

My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!

My enemy likes to act like he’s stupid sometimes, and so once he asked me what a sin was, and I responded with, “you.”

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?

After seeing you sing, the dog got disinfected from rabies.

You call me a prostitute's son, I call you test-tube babies.

Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?

Me: *silence*

There are two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"

The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Have you heard anything about this Chuck Norris guy? Yeh, me neither.

My country is so corrupt that it voted me as the most sexiest man.

Victory assured, I will continue like that till I'm six feet under.

You smash me so hard, I gave her the D.

What's the difference between me and you?

Nothing, the fudge you expected ni-

If you make a joke about me, I'll tell my mom.

Why do orphans like tigers? I don't know, you tell me.

When you tell an orphan, "I did your mom in your home," and they start crying.

Me: You f&*k up.

The class: Oh sh!&

Fat bully. That was just the starter, now do you want the main course?

Me: I don't think I want that because you already ate it.

Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."

Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."