ME jokes
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.
Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.
That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )
You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?
Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...
Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.
My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
Me and a girl went on a walk...
Then she noticed me, then we went for a run. :)
Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.
Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.
Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?
Kids: Yeah!
Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!
Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.
*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*
Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.
Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"
Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.
Have a guess who came crawling back?
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.
They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."
So I replied, "No, it doesn't."
I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.
POV: me telling a joke.
My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.
Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.
My parents created a joke 11 years ago and people are still laughing at it, but I know it's not me because jokes have meaning.