ME jokes
My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.
Me: So you're gonna leave me again?
Roses are red,
I am dead.
You could call me wet, or I will keep your dread.
Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.
Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶
My girlfriend is so fat that when she runs or walks, she falls, so I am breaking up with you.
🙍🏼♀️Fat girlfriend: Nooo, don’t leave me, catch me, ahhh!
🙇🏼♀️Fat girlfriend falls on boyfriend: Ahhhhhh *dump*
🙇🏼♀️🙇🏼Fat girlfriend and boyfriend: Fat girlfriend: U didn’t catch me wawawawa. Boyfriend: Get off me, 900 pounds, ugh, I hate u!
Story done. Please like.
I went to a store to get milk, but when I got home, there were a million cows waiting for milk, so they killed me.
What did the seal say to the shark?
"Are you seal-iously going to eat me?"
Bro, just imagine being named Brynley. Couldn't be me.
Me: How do you say yes in Spanish? You: Si. Me: Si if these nuts fit in your mouth.
My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.
She said help, so I kicked her.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.
"Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class.
I started playing the Angry Birds theme song. That didn't fly well with people, the teacher yelled at me like a bomb, and I landed on the ground.
Random: What are your hobbies?
Me: Bullying kids in WhatsApp groups 💀
Everyone: "Look, it's Superman!"
Me: "No, it's an emo."
Everyone: "Oh."
Who is yourself, and why do people keep telling me to kill him?
I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
Two people stood in one room. The first guy stared at the second.
First guy: “Sorry I had to punch you. It was a game, bro.”
Second guy: “Between me and you talking, there’s almost no PUNCH line. Hah!”
What do youuuuuuuuuuu Oh f***, my mom is gonna kill me! My shit is stuck on the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today there was a line to punch me.
Yeah, that was the punch line.