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I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

One day, I saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" I said, "His parents."

Rey: Join me, Ben, you don't have to be alone anymore, join me.

Ben: But Rey, I've always been solo.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.

  • 1

    • My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

    Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

    You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

  • 1

    • My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

    My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

    The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.

    Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."

  • 3

    • If you were a food, what would you be?

    Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

    Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

    Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."