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ME jokes

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

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    • My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

    My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

    The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.

    Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."

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    • If you were a food, what would you be?

    Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

    Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

    Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but it eventually came back to me.

    One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

    My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

    Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

    My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

    I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

    Charizarding.

    When you light a girl's pubes on fire, put it out with your jizz, then flap your arms and say, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"

    So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

    "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."

    And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"

    The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

    So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

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    • My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

    Knock, knock. Who's there? Fuck. Fuck who? What, are you kidding me? I just wanted to tell you a joke!