ME jokes

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

I met a fat chick at the beach.

People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Hahaha...”

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

Why does everyone call me racist?

My shadow is black.

What do math and me on P-hub have in common?

They are both hard.

I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.

What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?

I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.

What did the rapper say to the fridge?

"Give me a BEET!"

Got fired from the bank yesterday.

They caught me drinking on the job.

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.