ME jokes

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.

What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?

I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.

What did the rapper say to the fridge?

"Give me a BEET!"

Got fired from the bank yesterday.

They caught me drinking on the job.

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?

Me & my dad!

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

What's an old Japanese man's last words?

"Hey, that cloud looks like a mushroom, or is it just me?"

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.