ME jokes

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

Dude, if there is a watermelon, shouldn't there be an earthmelon, airmelon, and a firemelon? The elemelons.

Me: Knock, knock.

Other person: Who’s there?

Me: Atch.

Other person: Atch who?

Me: Bless you!

Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.

My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"

Me: Knock knock.

My Grandma: Who’s there?

Me: Interrupting cow.

My Grandma: Interrupting c-

[Dies from heart attack]

Once the old lady told me she had wisdom, but after she voted! 🤯

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

Sister: Why does shampoo have directions?

Me: 'Cause God made you.

Why did the blind man cross the road?

Don't ask me, he can't even see where he's going.

I just beat the Hollow Knight and found it takes 26 hours to beat it, but it took me 69 hours to beat it.

Papyrus: Well come to the underground.

Sans: How was your falls?

Papyrus: G-g-good luck eve-ever ge-getting o-out.

Sans: Give me your balls!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”