Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they can't change anything.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change anything.
I am just kidding, you know gay jokes aren't funny, come on guys.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests' basement is.
Yo mama slept with so many guys she's starting to look like one.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Puerto Rican!"
Then the blonde replies, "OMG, you dirty little slut! How many is a Puerto Rican?"
How many orphans can you fit in a bag of chips?
One, if the bag is family size.
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
There were 25 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't?
(Ten, if you count in base 13!)
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!
Why shouldn’t you call people in China?
Because there are so many Wings and Wongs you might "wing" the wrong number.
Person 1: How many people has Michael Jackson fingered?
Person 2: Dunno, what’s the minor population?
How many Americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon?
4
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
Why is there no phone in China?
Too many wings, too many wongs; might wing wrong number.
Many were curious about how methane ended up on Mars.
I'm pretty sure it was because of Uranus.
How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?
Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.
