Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
How many orphans can you fit in a bag of chips? 1, if the bag is family size
Why shouldn’t you call people in china?
Because there are so many wings and wongs you might wing the wong number
There were 25 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't?
(Ten, if you count in base 13!)
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? none they cant change anything
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Puerto Rican!"
Then the blonde replies, "OMG, you dirty little slut! How many is a Puerto Rican?"
Yo mama slept with so many guys she's starting to look like one.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change anything.
I am just kidding, you know gay jokes aren't funny, come on guys.
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!
How many alter boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests have basement
How many Americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon?
4
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
Why is there no phone in China?
Too many wings, too many wongs; might wing wrong number.
Many were curious about how methane ended up on Mars.
I'm pretty sure it was because of Uranus.
How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.
How do you check that a rabbit is old?
You check how many gray hares it has.
I love escalator jokes. There's not too many steps.
