Man jokes

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

What did the blind man fight in the bar?

The coat rack.

Two men walked into a bar, and one man asked for H20, and the other man asked for H20 too.

Only one man came out alive.

Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

What did the orphan say to the crippled man?

I suffer from crippling depression.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance, they looked like hare.

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody nose.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second-hand store!

What did the girl say to the man with a moustache?

I moustache you a question.

What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.

What's the difference between a snow woman and snow man?

Snowballs.