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Life

Bowie fan 1

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life

Orphan

Anonymous hobo man

what did the orphan say to the crippled man.

i suffer from crippling depression

Woman

Anonymous

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

Wife

aye

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Depression

Anonymous

What do you call a drunk depressed man that skydives?

Splattered.

Arms

Anonymous

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?

Wave.

Wife

Anonymous

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.

Puns

Anonymous

If iron man and quick sliver teamed up… They would be alloys.

Girl

Anonymous

What did the girl say to the man with a moustache? I moustache you a question

Run

Anonymous

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? – “Curses! Foil again!”

Fat

Matt G

A blind man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender replies with, “I’m blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde.” Then says “Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?” the blind guy responds with "No I don’t wanna tell it that many times.

Wife

yo_boi_pizza

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

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Kid

Person

“Oh daddy,” the kid said. “I love you so much!” “Hey,” the man responded. “Until we get the DNA test results, I’m just Harry to you!”

Fire

It's me Funny but sad.

Give a man a match he’ll be warm for a while but set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Hand

Anonymous

Why did the one handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand store!

Shooting

Josh

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms? Because he told the man to put his hands up

Rabbit

Anonymous

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance, they looked like hare.

Depression

I Hate Myself :)

A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”

Legs

Anonymous

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off and someone asked him “How are You?” And he said “I’m all right now.”

Sister

Hes Here

So Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC’s so he goes home and ask his mom who’s cooking “Whats the first letter of the ABC’s?” he ask and his mom responds with “SHUT UP… I’M COOKING!” so then he walks to sister who’s signing in the shower and asks her “Whats the 2nd letter of the ABC’s?” she responds with “I’m ready to go I’m ready to go!” then he walks over to his brother who’s watching batman and asks “Whats the 3rd letter of the ABC’s” and his brother responds with “nu nu nu nu batman” then he proceeds to walk to his dad who’s watching football and ask “Dad whats the 4th letter of the ABC’s?” and he responds with “95 HIT EM HARD!” then he walks to his grandma who’s cooking buns and ask her “Whats the 5th letter of the ABC’s?” and she responds with “MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!” then he Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day and the teacher says to her class “Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC’s” Johnny of course raises his hand and the teacher calls on him then he says “SHUT UP I’M COOKING!” then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says “Young man are you ready to go to the principals office?” then he proceeds to say “I’m ready to go I’m ready to go!” and he walks to the principals office then she says “What’s you’re name son?” he responds with “Nu nu nu nu batman!” then the principal ask “How many spanken’s boy?!” he responds with “95 HIT EM HARD” and after that he runs out of the principal’s office well yelling “MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!”

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