Man jokes
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.
What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
Why couldn't the Japanese man give a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.
What did the blind man fight in the bar?
The coat rack.
Famous last words: "Don't worry man, it's not even loaded."
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.
The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.
The man asks, "Is it your first time?"
The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away. The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away. The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.