Make a jokes
How do you make a plumber cry?
You kill his family.
Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."
The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.
The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.
The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.
How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?
I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.
They're making a new Alien movie.
There are so many aliens you can't keep track.
Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
I would make a joke about Silver the Hedgehog... but it's no use!
What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.
I was doing a magic show. I tried to make a bunny disappear, but it didn’t work.
I walked outside in shame. I looked up and realised the towers had disappeared!!!!
One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.
She asked me, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."
What makes a raccoon 🦝 very rich?
Its rings!
I have a better version of this joke.
How to make a plumber cry: Simple, kill his family. That’ll definitely turn on the waterworks.
What does a baby and a grenade have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
Did you know Disney is making a movie for suicidal people?
They're calling it Finding Emo.
I'm gonna make a documentary about meth-addicted prostitutes.
I think I'll call it "Whores on Ice."
Daughter: So, I got my period.
Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!
Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?
Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.
Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)
Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)
How do you make a snooker table laugh? Tickle its balls!
I'd make a joke about Noble Gases, but I probably wouldn't get much of a reaction.
How do you know if you're making a Caesar salad? Stabbing it 23 times.