Look jokes
What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.
Where does Hitler look first when he loses something? The attic.
A man walks into a bar and ends up with a concussion.
Maybe if he looked where he was going, he wouldn’t have hit that pole.
Why don’t Chinese people model? Because it would look like the same model every time.
What's the difference between an apple and a black man?
Apples look better hanging on a tree.
I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.
Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.
If you thought an inner-city black boy cannot transform into a deranged pale Karen... well, just look at Michael Jackson.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look the same? Identical!
Where does an octopus put its money? In an octo-purse!
A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”
Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!”
He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
What did the hamster say to the penis? "Ha, you look just like me!"
Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
You think on a airplane when a muslim guy gets on, people look at him and think... "Aw, fuck."
What did the poo say when it fell out of your bum?
"Your anus looks like my mum's bedsheet which is smelly and covered in poo."
I also just wanted to add that a Goonie's anus looks like my nan's mouth.
Your hairline looks like the Batman symbol.
Guys, look at the comments, omg!
Love that dress; it would look much better on my floor, though.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?
A man will actually look for the golf ball.