I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
I moved so much stone today.
I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.
Why don’t orphans play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Roses are red. Sunflowers are yellow.
Your mom is so fat she looks like a marshmallow.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.
Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.
Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?
Because no one’s looking for them.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.
An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.
It's quite obvious to each of the three men where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you, do you? This is my seat, after all."
The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! After all, Pakistanis and Indians are brothers! Are we not?"
The Indian is delighted at how warm and friendly they are, and he takes his seat. Shortly the plane takes off and the three guys are just chilling until the Indian says, "You know it's going to be a long ride and I am getting thirsty. Brothers, can I get any of you like a drink?" Then one of them says, "Yes brother, I would like a Coke!"
The Indian slips off his shoes and walks barefoot to where the stewardess is at, and when the Indian is out of view, one of the Pakistanis spits into his shoe. The Indian comes back and gives him a Coke.
Then the other Pakistani says, "You know what brother? I would also like a Coke too!" The Indian happily obliges, and as soon as he is out of view, he also spits in his shoe before the Indian gives him a Coke.
Finally, the Indian slips on his shoes and suddenly realizes how wet they are. He shakes his head and says, "Brothers! Why must we do this to each other, spitting in each other's shoes and peeing in each other's Cokes?"
What did the cow say at night? Look at the moooon.
Jeffy: "Daddy, Daddy, a monster said it’s gonna poop in your hat!"
Marvin: "I don’t believe that."
Jeffy: "But he said, 'Jeffy, I’m gonna poop in your Daddy’s hat!'"
The next morning,
Jeffy: "Daddy, a monster pooped in your hat!"
*Marvin/Mario looks in his hat*
Marvin: "Jeffy, I don’t believe you, you pooped in my hat!"
What’s the easiest way for parents to find out if their child is gay Look in the closet
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, you look like a donkey, and smell like one, too.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.
If you thought an inner-city black boy cannot transform into a deranged pale Karen... well, just look at Michael Jackson.
Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?
Because you can’t look up to them.
A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."
He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."
He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."
He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"
