Like jokes
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
I like turtles.
Why don't Indians like snow?
Because it's white all over their land.
The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
Why do gay people like sports?
Because they get to play with balls.
The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.
Why did Jeffery Dahmer not eat old people?
He does not like roasted vegetables.
I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
Me: "I like kids."
Your forehead's so big, it's built like Megamind's robot, period.
When the school shooter asks the autistic kid which hostage he wants to rape, and he looks at you like 😋.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.
Join us for more of the story, after the break!
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."