Like jokes
Fat chicks be like, "Am I fox pretty, bunny pretty, cat pretty, or deer pretty?" Like none, bitch, you elephant pretty. 😭😭😭
Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!
Me: Just like me.
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.
If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
What does Michael Jackson like to eat? Little wieners.
Boy Scout...
- A kid who dressed like an idiot.
- An idiot who dressed like a kid.
Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.
The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
Why do gay people like sports?
Because they get to play with balls.
The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.
I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.