Like jokes

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

Boy Scout...

- A kid who dressed like an idiot.

- An idiot who dressed like a kid.

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!

Me: Just like me.

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

Why don't Indians like snow?

Because it's white all over their land.

Why do gay people like sports?

Because they get to play with balls.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.

The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

I like telling dad jokes.

He laughs at most of them.