Like jokes

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Why did the orphan commit crimes? To know what it's like to be wanted.

Do you like pudding? Pudding deez nuts in your mouth!

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

-You have to be alive to have autism.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

Fat chicks be like, "Am I fox pretty, bunny pretty, cat pretty, or deer pretty?" Like none, bitch, you elephant pretty. 😭😭😭

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!

Me: Just like me.

Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...

It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.

Boy Scout...

- A kid who dressed like an idiot.

- An idiot who dressed like a kid.

Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."

What’s the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and a priest?

They both like lil' boys.

Who did Michael Jackson want to be like? The man in the mirror.