Like jokes

The circular saw asked the chainsaw, "When am I as big as you?"

The chainsaw would answer with, "When you cut down some things in your life. Like your owner."

The circular saw would reply with, "What?"

I wanted to put this up so I could say goodbye to everyone that I chatted with, like Gwen or MEG... So, yea, see you next year after Friday.

Women be like I don't wear makeup for men.

Then get mad when a man doesn't compliment her in her makeup!

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

You are like a thunderstorm; when you go away, like your dad, everyone is happy.

Opinions are like orgasms. The only one that matters is mine and I don't care if you have one.

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

Your mum is stupid, just like you.

Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.

Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.

Are you an abstract manifestation of my childhood traumas and recent memories combined? 'Cause damn, you look like you came out of a dream!

Texas be like, "We vote to freeze ourselves!"

"Texas be like it's cold over here over here."

One would think Dracula would have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, no one likes him. He is a pain in the neck.

I’m part of the anti anime association, but I’m starting to like anime. What do I do?

And for the joke: What do you call a dog with no back legs and a pair of metal balls? Sparky.

My jokes are like your dad, you only see them for a few days.

How come Mr. Squirrel watches porn sometimes?

Sometimes he feels like a nut, sometimes he don't.

An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."

He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"

He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."

Women say their baby daddies are trash like... woman, didn't he impregnate you and didn't he win your heart? I mean, he's not trash, you are!

Texas be like everything is bigger here: guns and winter storms!