Life jokes
In a thick Russian accent:
"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."
Superman and Flash were in the living room pounding back a few beers. Flash says to Superman, "I bet you can fly into Wonder Woman's bedroom and get the best pussy of your life." So he does it. When he goes back to Flash, Superman says, "Man, that was great, but my ass kinda burns."
What's the worst living thing on planet earth?
Humans.
What do you tell someone who has depression?
Answer: Just hang in there.
My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
What’s the difference between an emo and a pack of Oreos? The emo’s barcode gets longer every day.
What goes up but never comes down?
Yo life so miserable, the adoption center wouldn't sell you, just give you away!
All you pro-life Christian motherfuckers can go die, lol.
Why do orphans like Monopoly?
To cry about the money they can’t earn in real life.
I was about to joke about your life, but I think your life is already a joke.
If your parachute doesn't work, don't worry.
You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
I’m rather relaxed about death.
From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
Bully: How’s your girlfriend?
Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?
Bully: *cries*
Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
What's the difference between an orphan and a flower?
The flowers actually get picked.
My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.