Life jokes
[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.
Ask someone if they are a rhino. If they say yes, tell them "so you're horny." And if they reply yes again, block them from your life entirely.
I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........
My April Fool's joke is going to an orphanage and telling them their parents came back.
A: Who can tell me a joke?
B: Life.
Memes
Me: Am actually happy right now.
Life: Lol one sec.
Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.
Why is death taken so lightly? It's terrible how people use it! (This is NOT a joke!)
Why do orphans like Monopoly?
To cry about the money they can’t earn in real life.
If your parachute doesn't work, don't worry.
You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
I’m rather relaxed about death.
From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
Bully: How’s your girlfriend?
Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?
Bully: *cries*
Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*
What are emo kids' least favorite lollies?
Life Savers.
What's the resemblance between a microwave and human reproduction?
They both make a sound at the end.
Yo life so miserable, the adoption center wouldn't sell you, just give you away!
There was a fish looking for a great meal. He looks above him and sees a fly. He thought, "If that fly drops six inches, I would have a meal." Long story short, a pussy gets wet.
Orphans have 362 days in a year because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day and no birthday.