Law jokes

Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?

ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.

Q: How many cops does it take to put in a light bulb? A: None, they just beat the room for being black. 😂😂😂

Did you hear about how that deaf man got a ticket?

It's ok, he didn't either!

So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ my titties, and then I felt a shoe get shoved all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE’S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched, and got smacked in the face. Went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF r u starin at," I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I though this this isnt over motherfucker imma find u and kill u next thing i new i was in the hospital they told me why tf were u fighting a stops sign? I said what u were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign i sad bitchi aint crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka

A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...

Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”

What does an orphan not have in common with a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

Me: Hi Jaiden.

Bully/Jaiden Harper: Leave me alone, weirdo.

Me: Wow, says the one who didn't pass 3rd grade.

Bully/Jaiden Harper: *hits*

Me: *calls FBI and puts on gloves and stabs random person then gives knife to Jaiden and takes off gloves* Bye bye.

FBI: FBI OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!

So, I went up to an Australian girl. She looked like she was 20, and I said, "Can I have your phone number, sweetheart?" She said, "696969." I said, "Oh, haha, okay." A few days later, her mother called me and said she's 15.

A drunk guy runs into a bar... He bangs his head and falls down, why?

Because he is in a prison cell.

Paedophiles are f***ing immature assholes.

I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.

What do you call the only Trump Supporter to follow his orders to obstruct justice?

Answer: Attorney General William Barr!

Why did I f*** my dad?

So I could have s€x without my mom finding out. Should I not have done that?

@shelby denver is a massive nonce.

What do you call an orphan with a gun?

(No) home shooter.

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.

I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.

Person: So, Jimmy, what do you do all day?

Jimmy Savile: Anyone who I can do.

Why am I in jail?

All I did was cause 9/11.