Law Enforcement jokes
One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.
The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."
"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."
"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
How do you call a cop?
Through the phone.
(My puns are bad)
One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"
What did Pepper say to Spray?
"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor.
Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?
Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
Robber: This is a robbery, bitch!
Gunsalesman: No u
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
The FBI said, "Open up!" I shout to them.
A person said, "Cookie sale." I opened up. He fucked me.
A police officer said to a belly button, "You're under a-vest."
A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.