Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
Laughter Jokes
A bully chokes me. I simply say, "Joke's on you, I like being choked!"
what's the difference between an onion and a baby?
nobody cries when you cut up the baby.
Did you hear about the boy who sat under a cow?
He got a pat on the head.
"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.
"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"
I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.
When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
What did the egg say to the blender? Nothing. It's an egg joke.
Student: Hey! Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Teacher: No?
Student: All I can say about it is, "Well, well, well."
What did the skeleton say before dinner? "Bone appetit." His whole family found that humerus.
How many wives does Santa have?
Ho Ho Ho!
Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Tickle its balls.
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
Why did Stephanie fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Not Stephanie!
What did the clock say when it got punched at noon?
It’s twelve o'clock.
Puns, that's how I roll.
