Language jokes

Want to hear a pun?

Well, I'll punch you with one!

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.

Question: Do you know who Candis is?

Answer: Can dis dick fit in your mouth?

What brakes but never falls, and what falls but never brakes?

Answer: Night falls and dawn brakes.

Me: Spanish teacher, why do we need to learn Spanish?

Teacher: Because you might go to Mexico and start a job.

Me: Why would I want to sell drugs?

Ukraine.

Spell "I C U P." I see you pee.

Russians be like: "bfddrhnnkhsaxbjk speak English!"

If you don't stop with the puns, soon it won't be so fun.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel!

You guys have very baaaaaaa-d puns!

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

"Spell ICUP."

Say, "Crack my fingers."

Now say that backwards...

Why don't people play hide-and-seek in the number 4?

Because it would take forever. Get it? "For-ever" and "4" four, so "four ever."

How do you eat a meat?

You steak it in your mouth.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

"Kaka" means poop so... use "kaka" in your jokes rather than "poop." It is more funny. KAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAAKAK

Dang... if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put D IN U ;)

I only know there are 25 letters in the alphabet, I don't know Y.

(Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?) -- (Friend: 11- T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T)

(Me: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?) -- (Crush: No, there is actually 26.) -- (Me: oooOoh, I forgot u r a qt! So its acdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz?) -- (Crush: You forgot the D) -- (Me: That's not needed yet ;])

What letter is really hot? T

C = cOCK O = CoCK C = COcK K = COCk COCK = cock cock = COCK

ME SExUAL SRrY LoL

Why did the rapper bring a dictionary to the rap battle?

To drop some SERIOUS wordplay!