I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.
I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.
If 2 vegetables have an argument, it's called beef.
I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"
Dick.
A single sentence walks into a bar.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasuuubi!"
"Herro, I cannot see my eyes."
What did the skeleton say before dinner? "Bone appetit." His whole family found that humerus.
What do you call a person with only one arm?
Half-assed.
What do you call a bitch?
You call it a female dog.
What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Q: What do you call it when four Mexicans drown in quicksand?
A: Cuatro Cinco.
"BU" is the element of a surprise. Boo!
Fuck off!
Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin', they hatin'!
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
