Kill jokes

I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Smile, because it confuses people. Smile, because it’s easier than explaining what is killing you inside.

Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.

Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!

Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-

Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.

In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"

The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."

In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"

The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."

In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"

The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."

Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Serial murderer Ed Gein was famed for raping, killing, and skinning his victims.

When he was asked why he did it, he responded, "You don't know someone until you walk around in their skin."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

Why can't you kill a depressed person?

Because they are already dead inside.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

If you kill an orphan, would that count as a squad wipe?

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!