Kill jokes

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.

I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.

Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!

Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-

Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Smile, because it confuses people. Smile, because it’s easier than explaining what is killing you inside.

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Serial murderer Ed Gein was famed for raping, killing, and skinning his victims.

When he was asked why he did it, he responded, "You don't know someone until you walk around in their skin."

What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?

A byebyesexual.

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!