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My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

  • 0

    • What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?

    I don't eat the fruit.

    A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.

    He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

    The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.

    Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"

  • 4

    • When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

    98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

    1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

    Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

    A man gets captured by cannibals.

    Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

    A killer gone up to 5 people and killed 4 of them. There were 2 couples and 1 third wheel. The 5th one was left single out...

    I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...

  • 5

    • When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

    Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

    While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

    So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

  • 7

    • A mirror and a terrorist are the same... Only... a mirror doesn't need a gun to kill.

  • 1

    • I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:

    If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?